FIS is a collection of experimental photographs that I've been working on for the past five years.
The project is in technical development at the moment, and the final works should be released sometime this year (2019).
When I was too young to remember, my mother and father would, like any parents, kiss and hug me Goodnight and Goodmorning.
A shared trauma fogged my memory of back then. It also kept me from being held by my parents:
My anxiety was very high and led to frequent panic attacks and sporadic crying.
I was told my anxiety contributed to acute OCD symptoms. Intense bouts of stress and bacteriophobia.
I was an emotional wreck, yet when I needed to be held most, I was so afraid of being held that I often didn't really know what to do with myself.
Now, I'm not so sure what it's like to be physically intimate with someone for an extended time. I have short bursts of intense closeness now and then. Maybe a month long at best.
Not by choice.
What I found during these periods, was when my partner would try to kiss me
Or when they would lay next to me at night
Their face and figure
Would suddenly become so much unexpectedly larger.
Perspective at work, yes.
But that is always, honestly, a little frightening to me
Maybe the fear comes from a jarring realization.
An immediate understanding of
Or maybe it comes from worrying about whether
they see how tiny
I really am.